(The stage is set in a bar and brothel in Alexandria, where a grizzled mercenary, sloshing a brew in one hand and fondling a trollop in the other, spins his tale.)

 "Few people understand the reasons for these wars as well as I, arghh. These Parthian kings believe all men should bow before them.  Well I say 'Nay!'" and slammed his fist on the table where he sat.  "Evil men they  be, and I just the man to oppose their devilish desires.  I be Captain Rafe, leader of the most black-hearted, merciless mercenaries to trod the Persian territories. The most feared and dreadful band of mercenaries ever to storm over a battlefield.  Whatever army we join our band to has yet to be defeated.  To the Romans we are Auxilia.  To the Seleucids we are Thureophoroi.  But the Armenians know us by our true name.   Aye, that's right.  We are the Black Axe Regiment of Parthia, betrayed by those who overthrew their leaders and rode into our homes to slaughter our families. We have sworn death to Parthia and all who fight for them.  For they have filled our hearts with darkness.  And we shall send them, ONE AND ALL, to the ABYSS!"

 Slugging down a mug of brew to wet his whistle, the hardened mercenary spun his tale to enthrall all there.  He slid the buxom wench onto his lap, where she sat taller than usual, he spoke. 

"Know you of the battle that the King of Seleucia waged against the Parthian general Kuijt?  He came at us from round a hilly meadow, split his line  to disrupt our own.  Argh, that fool King let himself be led into the trap  and opened himself, allowing the cataphracts to ride through his slingers who stood next to us.  We tried to help the poor little buggers, but they fell under the heavy hooves of those big horses, and they rode off beyond any danger with which we could threaten them.  They continued on, bowling over the scythed chariots that were standing dormant while waiting their chance to mow them down, too quickly did they come on.  A huge hole opened in our lines.  Fortunately, his highness' Lieutenant saved the situation by swinging his elephants into their flank.  At the same time, the pikemen  to our right crushed another company of their armored horse. Their advance  was checked. 

"At that moment, the Parthian general saw his battle plans slipping away. So he wheeled down from the hill on our other flank right behind us, to  go after our noble king."  Here he stops to hawk a lugy on the floor.  "Lacking not so much courage as wit, he attacked when the opportunity presented itself."  Grabbing his wench's boob he continued, "But when he did that,  I saw a chance to put the 'squeeze' on 'im."  And he leered. "

I took my hearty band and assaulted the puny skirmishers he had with him. This, it so happened, put us right behind him.  That hearty king managed  to push him back.  And I was there, ready, as his horse retreated.  Sticking  my foot out behind me, I tripped that big gelding.  As he fell all asprawl  onto his backside, SHA-CHING!  I lopped off his head!  My men laughed!"  (HAHA, nyuck nyuck, chortle, gasp, sputter, snort!)  "And his army broke and fled like the lot of cowardly curs that they are." 

He paused a moment, swilling his brew as the strumpet wriggled her bottom  in his lap, delighted at her rising up in the world to be with such a hero. 

Rafe continued.  "The Romans had troubles of their own.  Their Proconsul asked for my help when he knew they would face the Parthian chargers.  He feared they would plow over his legionaries like grass.  And he was right  to fear them. "

We took station on a big hill with the Romans to our left and a wooded river on theirs.  A pretty line they made, sensibly shielding one flank. But their right was open, with their one light horse detachment standing alone to our right to slow the Parthian horse archers from running round behind them.  The Parthians came on, but they only sent two detachments  to deal with the Roman light horse.  But when I led the raging warriors of  the Black Axe Regiment charging down the hill into their flank, they were thrown into terror at the sight of us.  The pansy Roman horse to heart, and we crushed first one, then the other of those churlish naves. "

Meanwhile, a runner came and told me that the Roman line was crumbling. The Parthian cataphracts had charged in and crushed a cohort.  Another, riddled with arrows from the Parthian horse archers, turned and fled like dogs.  I grabbed a nearby horse and rode like the wind back to the battle. Just in time, I got to the Roman line.  The Roman general, brave soul, was about to take on the Parthian leader head to head.  But I saw a way to aide the brave lad.  I grabbed the crest of a tribune and shook his fool head. 'Get about, ye fool,' I yelled at 'im.  Lead bring your cohort onto the flank of that bastard and we'll catch 'im in a vise.' "

Smart lad, he followed me with his cohort.  When the General charged into the Parthian commander's elite guard, I led the Roman foot into his flank. I waded through the fray and spotted the scoundrel where he sat his charger. I raised up my mighty axe, and let it fly!  It split his helm and laid him low!"  His strumpet bounced with glee.  "The rest of them buggers turned  and fled."

 Rafe banged his mug on the table, and it was swiftly refilled at no charge. 

"The Armenians, though.  There's a lot what needs help.  I thought sure  we would have the worst with them boys.  But they showed good.  The Parthians tried to swing their horse archers round our flank.  I led the boys into them before they could get by.  We got one caught between us and the Armenian troopers. "

Then I saw an astounding sight.  That cur of a Parthian was standing out there all alone waiting to have at us.  The Armenian commander saw it and sent his troopers swarming at 'im.  But all he had was light troops to send, his heavies being on the other flank.  I saw they was gonna have a time  of it, but then, I saw a revelation!  I turned and ran with the boys over to the battle and we got just behind the rogue.  Sure enough, when they saw  the Black Axe Regiment bearing down on them, they cowered and recoiled from  the Armenian light troops.  I spotted their leader, backing his frightened horse into our group.  Again I stuck out my heel and, CA-PLUMPF!  Down he went. And then, SHA-CHING!  OFF WITH 'IS HEAD!  And my men laughed.  (HAHA, nyuck nyuck, chortle, gasp, sputter, snort!)  His army done broke and ran." 

Having finished his harrowing tale, Captain Rafe chugged down his drink, slammed the mug on the table, and stood.  His trollop, still delightfully perched on his hip, giggled.  "Now, lads, I think I'll give this little filly the ride of her life."  And, to raucous cheers of admiration and aplomb, he strode up the stairs.